Positive result

I'm not sure about how much of this I want to share online but, having given it much thought, I've decided to discuss it in full.

For a number of years now I've had various areas of intense itching which includes a small outbreak of eczema under my left arm. Itching from this can be quite intense and I know I shouldn't scratch but ......ooooooooooh! Such bliss! If there is a pay-off to itching, it's the scratching; the one thing you shouldn't do. Such is life.

Another area of fairly intense itching is around my anus (OK. You're beginning to understand my reticence now..... it gets worse). This is not as bad as it was a few years back. I went to the doctor and described my symptoms (ie; I got an itchy bum, Doc). He nodded sagely and promptly "diagnosed" pruritis ani. Well, I'm not an expert on medical matters but I do have nodding acquaintance with Latin. "Er.... thank you" I replied "But isn't that just my symptoms in Latin?" (pruritis = itching, ani = bum). "It's what your condition is called" he countered. Terrific. I went to a doctor to find out that my itchy bum was called Itchy Bum in Latin as well. Maybe I should have gone to a linguist and found out what it was called in Greek, German, Swahili and Esperanto.

The cream he prescribed helped to some degree but it didn't address the root of the problem and I'm pretty sure I know what that is. In 1995, I lost my job with Gloucester Social Services as a result of trying to address serious failings on the department's side that resulted in a very vulnerable person being put seriously at risk. To be honest, it was threatening to take the issue to the press that clinched it but the result was that Old Ron was ejected from the department and the patient in question remained at risk. Needless to say, I was extremely angry about that. I was suspended for six months before I was finally spat out and, during this time, I developed my itchy bum. I have been scritching at various parts of my anatomy ever since.

The itch is my residual anger and this is something I clearly need to address. It's not just my bum and my armpit but my testicles are also prone to intense itching (I told you it gets worse).

Scratching one's armpit in public is one thing but people really get uncomfortable around someone who is constantly clawing at his rectum and testicles so I tend to grit my teeth throughout the day and have an orgy of scratching when I get home.

Sunday evening I had a real Jerry (Jerry Lee Lewis as in "Great Balls of Fire"). It was unbearable! Scratching is only blissful until you reach the point at which it is painful to touch. Tap on it I thought to myself and as soon as the thought occurred to me, I began tapping (maybe I'm getting somewhere about my procrastination after all).

Although I have this intense itching in my testicles, I completely accept and love myself exactly as I am........

My balls are really itchy......
My cobblers are on fire.......

And on it went for three, maybe four rounds. My SUDS began at ten and quickly came down to zero. That night, my itching was so intense, I couldn't sleep. My armpit, my bum, my arms, my legs....... I think even my pillow was itching at one point. The one thing that was definitely not itching was my balls. OK. We do need to be specific but maybe it helps to be inclusive in some circumstances. More to the point: what I obviously need to be tapping on is my anger not the itching. The problem is that, over the past 12 years, I've learned to suppress my anger, making a SUDS evaluation rather difficult. When I think about the episode now, I'm not aware of any feelings of anger.

Actually, as I am writing this, it has just occurred to me that I could approach this slightly differently. I was trying to locate my anger while typing the paragraph above and I instinctively visualised myself in a room with those responsible both for the neglect of the patient and the treatment of yours truly. What would I have to say? A foaming diatribe, that's what! That is clearly the hook. The foaming diatribe could be described as a ten and, presumably, passing the time of day with my adversaries and talking about the weather could safely be regarded as a zero.

Now I have things to do so I'm going to have to publish this and get on but more on this later.